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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You're So Fat, I'd Cheat On You If We Were Married!

"You're So Fat, 
I'd Cheat On You If We Were Married!"

WOW! Those words were spoken to me over 10 years ago from a boyfriend that I was dating.  I didn't even remember them until a recent coaching session.  My coach asked me, "Allyson, when was the last time you remember being happy with how you looked?"  My answer, "8th Grade!" 

My eyes spill with tears at the thought of sharing this with you.  You know that I'm committed to be transparent at all times but this is freakn' see through. 

I worked customer service and met this man over the phone while I was in college.  He flew in to visit me and said that I was bigger than he expected.  He would barely touch me, hug me or even acknowledge my presence.  Prior to his arrival, he'd touted that he loved me, wanted me and could not wait to "appreciate" me when he came in town. 

I remember trying to make the evenings pleasurable with candles, great meals and Luther Vandross playing.  I mean, who can't get over big thighs and back fat with dim lights and Luther???  HIM!! 

Even with all he said to me, I still wanted him to ...

When my coach asked me about previous relationships and how I've related to my body, I was forced to remember this venom filled conversation.  I was forced to walk down this painful lane that led to a trail of hurtful self-talk and negative chatter conversations that resound in my head today.  As a transformational life coach in the eye of thousands, I'd love to say this was my issue years ago but these are the demons, the lochness monsters that I face TODAY! 

I look at current reality and tv show figures and God knows that I never would have thought they affect me but I've come to realize that visuals like what you see to the left constantly scream at me, "You can NEVER do enough!" 

Before you start the flood of "you are beautiful" emails... and "don't compare" conversations, I get that.  I really do.  However, how many of us logically understand that the comparison is irrational and yet we constantly buy the magazines, secretly dream, wish, pray, and hope that one day we will look like them? 

I'm OK if it's only me.  This is my blog.  To date I have been in my program for over 8 weeks and I've lost 5lbs.  found them again, lost them again and haven't discovered  a way to actually release the weight that not only haunts my body but plagues my mind and spirit with tales like I shared before. 

If you would have asked me about my body image, I would have dared to say I was fine.  I would have dared to continue with my sexy band-aid that masks the painful and limiting conversation that keeps me diseased in comparison and STOPS me from moving forward. 

Transformation begins from the inside out.  
I don't know that I realized so much of my heart had been broken, stolen at the price of what others spoke over me. 

I share my story as I move forward in this process, my feet a bit heavy, my heart is overwhelmed and my passion weaning because I wonder if the light will be there by the time I get to the other side??  

I'm grateful to share the rawness of my journey.  You are my community.  You promised to be there with me and I'm honored to invite you into my personal, intimate world so we can grow and transform together.  

Today, I am reminded of words from T.D. Jakes: "Come hell or high water you will never take me back to the place I was before. I have been through too much to let life whoop me again. My faith is stronger than it's ever been, my mind is more tenacious than it's ever been, my soul is more absolute."

Here's to Possibility that will soon become our reality! 

Your Sister in the Journey,